Food for thought…

I’ve always worked hard. 

When someone has to pick up the slack I feel guilty.  For example, when I was anorexic and had to leave “on time” for my therapy appointment, I felt immense guilty that my co-workers had to pick up the slack while I took care of myself.  I felt selfish and embarrassed to go back to work knowing that they had stayed late.  I felt I didn’t deserve my salary so I soon started coming even earlier than 7:30am.  I ended up not taking lunches in an attempt to make up my time.  However, in hindsight, I think that I was actually the only one that felt like the others begrudged me for it.  No one ever approached me, but I felt the hushed whispers were all about me.

Once again, the world centered around Donna…how self absorbed.  Carol says eating disorders make people self absorbed. It is part of the illness she said.  I disagree.  Being self absorbed is by choice and when I receive a gift, I feel I must make up for it somehow, just like how I made up my extra hours at work.  People were probably doing this out of generosity and my lack of acceptance of their good nature was actually like giving them a slap in the face. 

I wish I could just say, “Thank you for being so understanding. It is truly appreciated”.  What a different attitude I would have.  Instead of constantly trying to prove myself to others, (I did go on 14 interviews at a well known pharmaceutical company just to get my first job after all), I would be able to see that they were accepting me for who I am, not the person I was trying to be.

Same story is true at the other major pharmaceutical company where I worked.  I actually turned down a raise because I didn’t think I deserved it.  How foolish.  They wouldn’t offer it to me because of generosity, believe I that.  I had only worked there a short time before a mutual resigning with a nice severance package which I also thought I did not deserve.   

It’s hard to define myself because I’ve always defined myself by what I did, not who I am.  It’s easier to look outward than inward.  Guess I do need to work a little harder in that respect.

Who am I?  That’s for a future post since it requires going down an unpaved road in my mind.

Blessings to all,

Donna.