Leaving No Stone Unturned

This post was inspired as part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

with my thanks for providing an outlet in which to express myself!

In what ways are you able to stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down?

Coping with mental illness (Bipolar I, PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder) sometimes can get me down.  Overall, I stay hopeful, optimistic, and even downright cheery (and not due to the mania).  I accomplish this by leaving no stone unturned and by using Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Both approaches work extremely well for me.

To discover what I mean by saying "Leaving no stone unturned," please keep reading.

Leaving no stone unturned:

My journey from total denial to Radical Acceptance

Where to start???

I guess the very beginning seems logical.  It is January 1997, the month my identical twin sister got married.  That is the month and year of the first time I ever entered psychotherapy.  I was 23 years old and had been suffering (yes, that is the right word), for about 2 1/2 years with anorexia nervosa.  I had been steadily losing weight by restricting food and overexercising to the point where my menses eventually ceased for 18 months.  I will not mention the exact number that the scale read as it is triggering for many people who have, or have had, eating disorders. 

My illness began with the immense pressures of graduation with an undergraduate degree in accounting with a minor in psychology that precipitated the downward spiral.  The rapid twists and turns it took were hidden among all the busyness of applying to, and ultimately obtaining, a Graduate Research Assistantship that would pay for my entire MBA program.  I crammed all the requirements into one year (summer, fall, winter & spring semesters).  I would arrive on campus at 7:30am and not leave until 11:00pm with a 45 minute commute each way.  No wonder I developed an eating disorder.  I hid it from everyone I could.  As typical, I loved to cook and bake but hated to eat.  I would decline outings because they involved food. 

I then had 14 interviews spread over the course of a year with a major pharmaceutical company and their affiliates.  I eventually was offered a challenging position as a Programmer Analyst in the Financial Information Systems Dept at Corporate Headquarters.  (I worked at Academic Computing undergraduate.  I learned as much at my work study job as I did in my curriculum).  It was here that I first got help...

I was studying for the CPA exam which took up another 40 hours a week and was working full-time, and volunteering approximately 10 hours a week.  I was a Certified Literacy Volunteer and helped at the studio for the Recording for the Blind and Dyslexic as well as at the front desk of a nearby township's Food Bank.  I loved everything I did.  I was passionate.  Problem was I wasn't giving my body the nourishment it needed, calorie wise or emotionally.  I was running ragged.  And I was running, literally.  I exercised in the morning, at lunch, after work, and even before bed. 

[By the way, I successfully passed the CPA and CMA exams which I used as ammunition to prove that I had no problems]

Thank God for crisis intervention.  One of the staff at our Corporate Wellness Center noticed my obsession.  They approached me quietly but firmly with insight and understanding and made an appointment for me with our Employee Assistance Program counselor.  She even took me by the hand and went with me to my first appointment.  I didn't think I really had a problem.  Certainly nothing that I couldn't handle on my own, or so I thought.  In hindsight, I think I was a bit relieved.  Relieved that I didn't have to fight this battle alone.

When asked about my past and background, I said I had no problems.  Life was great.  It was grand.  I denied everything.  I said I ate and that my exercise was in check.  I did tell the 100% of the truth at all times; my perception was skewed though.  The EAP counselor was very helpful and I had periodic appointments, however, he was not an Eating Disorder Specialist so he referred me to the therapist that would save my life.  Thank you to the three of you - I think your purpose in life has already been accomplished...saving mine!

I started outpatient therapy 3x/week.  I was only 3 weeks into my treatment when my weight had dropped so low that inpatient hospitalization was necessary.  This would be a one time, again thank God, visit to The Renfrew Center in Philadelphia.  It is also before parity law took effect and before eating disorders were considered biologically based similar to major depression.  Turns out later, that I had that too.  I ended up staying two weeks and paying $13.000 out of my own pocket.  Basically, every cent I made since I worked from the age 14.  I really needed to stay longer.  I was scared.  I should have been.  I could have died.  I've never made a better investment in all my life.

Fast forward.  Once I was open to receiving help, I left no stone unturned.

At the time of this post, I am 37.  Through the years, I would be diagnosed with Major Depression, OCD  then later Bipolar I (severe and chronic), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I would end up hospitalized for weeks or even a month or more at least 7-8x, but never again for the anorexia which has been stable.  I no longer denied my underlying issues.  I was a full participant on my path to recovery. 

I engaged in all sorts of Adjunctive Therapy such as art and dance.  I even researched and found my own Music Therapist.  My good friend helped me find a professional who recorded Brain Music Therapy which was personalized based on three readings of my EEG.  Therapy went so much better when symptoms were out of the way.  I utilized Guided Imagery and even attended Belleruth Naparstek's workshop hosted by the Omega Institute.  I went on Adventure Quest and Spirit Quest weekends at New Age Health Spa to explore more about myself.  I did meditation and walked labyrinths which I also found by myself and then shared with others.  I even made a personal appointment at Spruce Lane Llama Ranch to do Llama Therapy.  I saw a homeopathic psychiatrist who also did naturopathy.

Anything that was healthy, I tried.

That's when I stumbled across Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a skill based program.  There are four modules:  Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance, Core Mindfulness, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.  First time through, I traveled 8 hours for a 1 1/2 hour session over the course of 26 weeks.  It is recommended to complete the program twice.  Once for the ideas to be built and another for them to sink in.  For my second time, I discovered a program closer to home.  I did all my homework and practiced the skills and "worked the program".  I was determined to succeed.  Thanks to the wonderful treatment facilities I attended, this is the road that would lead to...

the culmination of my journey thanks to everyone's hard work and the DBT skill of Radical Acceptance. 


Here's to staying positive despite the negative!


p.s.  Donna fights negativity and increases positivity when she blogs about her daily practice of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills on her other blog: http://donnas-dbt-skills.blogspot.com.  Please come take a look and follow me on my journey.